Have you ever heard the german christmas song “Merry Christmas everywhere …”? (No? Listen to it on youtube. But careful: link does not work in the excerpt view of this article, only in full length view.). A beautiful song with a beautiful melody, and it has a line that could be translated as “joyfully ringing through the air” which i think paints a wonderful picture. Yes, the Christmas season can be a wonderful time to spend intensive days with the family, if …! Don´t worry, this is none of those usual articles about Christmas being turned into a shopping and consuming frenzy – you know that anyway. I also won´t write about it having nothing to do anymore with the spiritual content of the Christian celebration of the birth of the Redeemer. I´m not a theologian.
More interesting for my topic in the broader sense – love and family relationships – is the fact that, according to various reports one can read over and over in the media, Christmas is the time of the year during which most family disputes occur. These arguments often lead to separation or divorce. According to psychologists who study these things, this is due to the fact that for many couples – apart from vacation, during which there are many distractions – Christmas is the only time in which they spend several days in a row together. This causes stress and that just adds to the usual (self-induced and for the most uselss) Christmas and end-of-year-stress.
So far, so familiar. There is, however, a little known additional stress factor that may be affecting many relationships. Some people spend Christmas among their loved ones, but at the same time, they also love, or at least sexually desire someone else. This they (must) hide from their official partner. Instead of being honest about it and include this additional loved one in the celebrations too, they must conceal their true feelings.
This is true for over 50% of people in my homecountry germany, if the statistical data is correct. And this seems to be the case in a lot of countries, especially in western countries, where polygamy is forbidden. This “rather not talked about” fact means: there is a greater than 50%-chance that you or your partner or even both of you are in that very same situation.
This is sad, because many people who betray their partners actually still love them, but they are just not able to be sincere. And that makes it even sadder, because love really means to be sincere, to be able to show yourself as who you really are and to take your partner as he / she is.
Does reading this make you feel uncomfortable? Sorry, but instead of getting angry, please do read on, maybe I can encourage you to consider the issue again and take a new approach.
It is understandable that additional relationsships (there just is no translation for the german: Zweitbeziehung) are kept secret, since monogamy – in spite of dating agencies and swinger clubs – is an inviolable rule in monogamist societies. For about 50% of people in my country, cheating is a reason for separation. But at the same time over 90% of people in my country (go and check for your own country!) state in polls that they have been unfaithful to their partners at some point in their life. So i think it makes perfect sense to ask whether our “you must not love or have sex with others” model of love is really working for us.
No, i will not bore you now with the usual biological and evolutionary arguments for promiscuity, which are mostly based on solid half-knowledge. My approach is rather based on the fact that generally when working through life´s problems, more or less consciously we follow a role model. And if the model does not work, then we adjust it to the needs or look for a completely new model.
Only in love relationships this is not possible, because we are all, at least in monogamous societies, under the unforgiving rule of monogamy. In Christian cultures this is derived from religious rules of the churches and has been woven into the fabric of society by centuries of cultural practice. And the model is practically unassailable. In spite of this – as we all know from experience and is also confirmed by statistics – monogamy is maybe the most constantly broken rule of mankind. Does this make sense?
Wouldn´t it make more sense then, instead of forcing people to follow a model which obviously is not working for most of us, to choose a model that corresponds to human nature? Shouldn’t we stop failing again and again and suffering all the consequences such as guilt, broken hearts, divorces, etc.? How about applying a model to our love and family relations, that follows the basic principle of individual rights, which in my understanding is to give everybody the freedom to be who they are, as long as they do others no harm?
And where is the harm if people are allowed to freely, openly and sincerely love all the people for whom they feel love? Would not this mean that there was more love in the world? Is not that ultimately the message of christmas?
In this sense, I hope – for all of us – that one day we will all be allowed by law the freedom to live as much love as we feel. Whether it would be monogamous or polygamous that should be a personal decision, freely taken and openly shown. At the end of the day it is love in all its forms which makes life truly worth living. In this sense I wish (come on and dare to hum along) “Polygamous Christmas everywhere.”
Notice: This article is translated from an original article on one of my german websites Viktor-Leberecht.de or Polygamie-ist-gut-fuer-sie.de (engl:Polygamy is good for you). How i do my translations. Last updated: May 10, 2017 at 17:39 pm © Viktor Leberecht All rights reserved. Please feel free to share my content on Social-Sharing-Services. What do you think? Leave a comment here. For your convenience you may either use the integrated comment system of wordpress in the first comment field, or if you prefer you may post with your Google+ account in the second comment field. You may also send me a question through the contact form or the FAQ.
Related external articles
- We may not like polygamy, but decriminalization makes sense (theglobeandmail.com)